What is a Dom? What is a Sub? What does it mean to be in a Dom Sub Relationship?
I’ve interviewed three real Doms for the purposes of exploring this increasingly popular, yet highly complex, intimate relationship style. First off, the most noteworthy element of a Dom Sub relationship is that there is strong mutual respect. The way the relationship works is not abusive but fully decided upon by both members, so communication is key. Keep reading to find out exactly what three real-life Dom Sub relationships are all about.
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For the purposes of this article, when referring to a Dom, it means a male, and when referring to a Sub, it will indicate a female.
What is a Dom?
The urban dictionary website defines a Dom (Dominant) as the dominant person in a BDSM relationship or encounter. A dominant will control the submissive partner’s actions in a sexual encounter, or sometimes in other situations outside the bedroom as well.
Note: All relationships have a more dominant partner but being a Dom is more way complex than that. Read on to find out what three real Doms have to say about their way of life.
What is a Submissive?
Per the urban dictionary, a sub, or submissive, is a person in BDSM who submits to a dominant. A submissive can be a slave and/or the bottom (the person being tied up or whipped, or whatever the act is). Please note, the Sub is not seen as a lesser person but an equal or even the more powerful one because they decide what they are okay with having done to them.
BDSM: Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism
Bondage is being tied up, handcuffed, or restrained in some way. Discipline happens when mutually agreed upon rules are broken and often in the form of impact play (such as spanking, caning, or flogging). Further delving into these terms sadism is when a person derives sexual pleasure from hurting others. Masochism is the deriving of sexual gratification from being physically or emotionally abused, humiliated, or mistreated. It’s a sub’s willingness and desire to be subjected to unpleasant or trying experiences. An example of this is name-calling the sub using dirty words.
Not all dom/sub relationships include all of those elements, every relationship is different and the specifics are determined by both members of the couple (or group if that applies).
In my research and discussions with these Doms, one thing is clear, a dom is concerned deeply, intricately, and wholly with the needs of his sub. Plus, there are specific kinks the couple focuses on.
Read what three real authentic Doms have to say about their way of life. I urge you to read through them all as each Dom is unique and different, however, they come from common viewpoints with some distinct similarities as well.
Dom 1: 27/not married
What do you like best about being a dom?
Being a Dom has many great things about it. But what really stands out about being a Dom is the complete and utter surrendering of my submissive and little girl. Our dynamic has strengthened our relationship to a point I didn’t think possible and her submission, especially knowing the very intelligent sexy capable woman she is, is something that I rather derive great pleasure from… physically and otherwise too. There are few more things more empowering than that level of confidence put into your hands. Holding her leash and giving her a collar has given me a lot back in return. More than I originally expected.
Is there anything you dislike about being a dom?
Any dislikes, people who think their way to Dom is the only way to Dom. And subs who try to top from the bottom.
Are you ever a tender lover?
Yes, but it’s a rare occurrence.
Do you feel being a Dom channels your aggression or your lust for something good?
Some partners definitely bring more of my fury and sadism out than others.
Prefer to be called Daddy, Sir, or Master? Or other?
Daddy and Sir.
Do you feel you were born with these urges (just how you are naturally) or do you think they stem from an incident or experience?
I’ve always had a passionate and aggressive energy when it comes to my urges but as a Dom though I think past small experiences into kink is what eventually lead to me just kicking the door down and just going for it.
I’ve read that this is the hierarchy in a dom/sub relationship: Her needs, His needs, His wants, Her wants. Do you agree? Or do you affiliate with another hierarchy?
The hierarchy laid out like that is fairly sound I would say. I’ve not heard of it before but based on its tenants I would say that’s pretty accurate.
Does your dom/sub relationship extend beyond the bedroom or is that part of your relationship completely different?
We extend ours far outside the bedroom, as we wanted originally and are 24/7. Meaning it is now the overarching structure that we build our relationship around. Communication is definitely the mortar that keeps it happy and productive from day to day.
And outside of the bedroom, it dictates our tone. We have a level of surface us, controlled by a deep feeling of our respective roles. Her of a submissive dutiful partner and I as a caring fierce loyal Dom. Helping define our expectations for ourselves was made a lot easier by the contract we drew up together by hand.
It dictates roles, responsibilities, punishments, rules, and codes of conduct.
Do you come up with sexual plans together or is it fully driven by you?
As for sexual plans, they are entirely controlled by me, though they can be initiated by either. And I love finding and knowing everything that makes my sub a wet dripping lustful mess. Sometimes we will pen scenes together, and we talk about what we enjoyed or what we liked about something or things we are curious about. What place was hot to fuck in, what specific way using the cane on her ass got her the most stimulation, how hard I cum from her wearing leggings, our goals, and fantasies when we bring in a third person or another sub, etc. We also know each other boundaries well, and they mostly overlap between us.
Please define your role and responsibilities as a dom. Her role as sub.
We have a lengthy contract.
What sex toys are your favorites to use with/on your sub? Does she have a say in it?
Yes, she does have a say. Not an active say, but she tells me all of her desires and wants. Some of my favorite toys are our cane and paddle.
Technically it’s caning not spanking at that point too.
But spanking huge. Impact play is a favorite of both of ours. Spanking, canings, flogging, and paddlings are all utilized. Hand spanking is done too. She enjoys being choked and I enjoy choking her.
She has a dildo with a donut esque shaped clit stimulation.
Rope bunny. Rope is her favorite toy.
Do you like to do intricate ties or fast ones with the rope?
I do both. Probably helps her with some of her best orgasms but she absolutely craves to be tied up. Mostly quick but sometimes when we have a night I’ll practice new ties and expand my knowledge.
Future wants:
Our goal is suspending one day.
Maybe do a harness or two.
A sister sub.
I want a group to have orgies and threesomes and foursomes with.
What is the key component to a successful and fulfilling dom/sub relationship?
Communication.
Dom 2: Married
What do you love best about being a dom?
The enjoyment and satisfaction my sub gets.
Is there anything you dislike about being a dom?
Sometimes I worry that I might allow things to become abusive.
Do you feel you do things that will prevent that from happening?
You need constant discussion with your sub to ensure they are happy and enjoying the role.
Do you feel being a dom channels your aggression or your lust for something good?
I guess it channels lust.
Are you ever a tender lover? Or are you more into BDSM?
Tender, yes, maybe even a majority of the time. A Dom/Sub relationship can’t survive without love and tenderness.
Do you prefer to be called Daddy, Sir, or Master? Or other?
Master is preferred.
Do you feel you were born with these urges (just how you are naturally) or do you think they stem from an incident or experience?
Born with it.
I’ve read that this is the hierarchy in a dom/sub relationship: Her needs, His needs, His wants, Her wants. Do you agree? Or do you affiliate with another hierarchy?
Agree. It is about allowing your sub to become the person they want to be.
Does your dom/sub relationship extend beyond the bedroom or is that part of your relationship completely different?
One aspect that only operates when we both want to play.
Do you come up with the sexual plans together or is it fully driven by you?
General agreement, like we agree on a gangbang and then I take over planning and arrangements.
Please define your role and responsibilities as a dom. Her role as a sub.
My role when playing is to provide the safety blanket, to allow my sub to be the person she wants to be sexually.
The sub role when playing is to be a sexual object.
What sex toys are your favorites to use with/on your sub? Does she have a say in it?
She always has a say. Leash, blindfold, handcuffs.
What are your future wants in your dom/sub relationship?
To continue with mutual satisfaction.
What is the key component to a successful and fulfilling dom/sub relationship?
Trust, compassion, love.
Dom 3: Age 27
What do you love best about being a dom?
I love the need and desire someone has towards me. That need could be of wanting care and nurturing or it could be a desire of being controlled, degraded at times even. It’s that feeling of helping someone in a variety of ways that I truly enjoy.
Is there anything you dislike about being a dom?
Dislike? The toxicity that can occur at times. It comes with the community and you simply have to weed out all the fakes and people in it just for sex and not the deeper layers behind it. This goes for doms and subs.
Do you feel being a dom channels your aggression or your lust for something good?
Yes, I feel as though aggression is channeled to an extent depending on the sub. Some simply desire punishment, but others prefer deeper levels of “torture” almost per say. The more in-depth and open-minded they are to degrading and physical action the aggression is turned into a service for someone.
Are you ever a tender lover?
I am both. I know how to be tender and hardcore. It really just depends on what my sub needs.
Do you prefer to be called Daddy, Sir, or Master? Or other?
I prefer Sir. I have been called all three and will respond to them, but prefer Sir. It’s short, but powerful and commands respect.
Do you feel you were born with these urges (just how you are naturally) or do you think they stem from an incident or experience?
Natural. An instinct. I always had a desire to want to tend and help others.
I’ve read that this is the hierarchy in a dom/sub relationship: Her needs, His needs, His wants, Her wants. Do you agree? Or do you affiliate with another hierarchy?
The hierarchy I follow is that the Dom is always in control, but it’s based on the subs permission. Nothing happens without the sub granting permission. In terms of needs and wants, I believe the Dom tends to his subs needs first. For a want, it’s really a toss-up. It can go either way, but mostly swings towards the doms wants. We as doms tend to the needs of our subs while they then return the bond by tending to what we want.
Does your dom/sub relationship extend beyond the bedroom or is that part of your relationship completely different?
It goes beyond the bedroom. Subs I have had often needed more attention outside the bedroom than inside and I’m more than happy to comply as that is my duty as a Dom.
Do you come up with the sexual plans together or is it fully driven by you?
They are driven by me, but I always run them by the sub to make sure they are comfortable with it before we start.
Please define your role and responsibilities as a dom. Her role as a sub.
Roles? That’s a complex question as it’s determined by what kind of bond I’m forming with them. It’s is a nurturing role? A control role? Am I just a daddy? A Dom? Am I her master and she has given me all control as she is my slave? It really just depends. As a baseline, my role is to tend to her needs and mental health while for her it is to see to my own desires and wants which really can very. Roles are more solidified when you narrow it down to the exact dynamic you are having with that person.
What sex toys are your favorites to use with/on your sub? Does she have a say in it?
Vibrators, buttplugs, gags, and paddles I enjoy using. I bring them into play and if the sub doesn’t like it then I bring in substitute toys to see what works with them.
What are your future wants in your dom/sub relationship?
I honestly don’t know. I have found so much toxicity within the community it’s hard to continually dive into it without facing this constant push back and disgust.
What is the key component to a successful and fulfilling dom/sub relationship?
Communication. Bottom line you have to communicate everything especially if something makes one or both of you uncomfortable.
Fifty Shades Trilogy (Fifty Shades of Grey / Fifty Shades Darker / Fifty Shades Freed)
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Loved this article…the questions more than anything. I was a late bloomer in D/s, but felt it’s pull on me after watching 50 Shades(I know embarrassing to admit given its ridicule by the community). It simply opened my eyes to a new place where I felt I belonged and kickstarted my research and growth in the life.
That’s great to hear. I’m so happy you enjoyed my article. I’ve yet to watch 50 Shades, but its reputation is enough. I had heard the writing was not good, so I’ve never read it. Interesting that the community ridicules it too, but it made a huge splash in the world for all the criticisms it has received. Controversy often gets attention. I’m sure it is a door for many who are interested in such things/in that way of life. I enjoyed interviewing the doms and found it a very interesting experience to do so. I’m thrilled you found growth in your life. That’s very awesome!!