How to Introduce Your Partner to Kinky Sexual Fantasies

How to Introduce Your Partner to Kinky Sexual Fantasies … Tips on How to Succeed

Are you kinky and your partner is vanilla? Do you want to press sexual boundaries your partner is hesitant about? This can cause problems in a relationship unless both of you can come to a commonplace, a compromise, a common ground. A good partner relationship involves sex somehow. Period. It. Just. Does. There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s. For satisfaction, sex must be involved at some point in the relationship, otherwise, you are basically siblings, or friends, just family, not partners in an intimate way, and that’s something different entirely. It’s just a fact that the relationship is lacking if sex does not make an appearance in some way. Sex drive, sexual desires, and kinky sexual fantasies are often mismatched in couples, but, communication can nail down a mutually agreed upon plan, whatever that might be.

You gotta talk. And be honest and share your wants, desires, hopes, fantasies, and dislikes. But, to the point of this article, how can you introduce your partner to your kinky sexual fantasies? Well, I have some tips to help you do just that.

This website uses affiliate links. Please see the disclaimer page for more details. Mabuhay Philippines! I want to give a shoutout to the people of The Philippines. My podcast (Oh F*ck Yeah with Ruan Willow) is doing quite well in your country, today it is number 2 in sexuality and 46 in health and fitness so a big huge thank you to all of you! And a huge shoutout to my friend who runs a website for men on lifestyle, sex, books, and more at A Barbarian in Gentlemen’s Clothing Blog (manhood is a journey).

Kinky:

What does kinky really mean? The Urban Dictionary defines kinky as “something relating to having or appealing to unconventional tastes, especially in sex.” Other definitions I’ve seen include kinky as sexually deviant, bizarre in tastes, weird, wild, unusual, or as extreme sexual acts, behavior, and/or practices. It’s whatever is outside your norm. Basically, it’s not your basic vanilla sex.

But what if your partner is vanilla and you crave experimentation? The extraordinary? The naughty? The risky? The unusual? The bad boy/girl shit? What if you want to press the boundaries of the norm?

Here’s what you can do.

Introduce Your Kink to your Partner Slowly… Gently… Take your Time

There’s no rush when introducing your partner to your kink. Why? Because you don’t want to scare them off or force them to shut down because they feel uncomfortable. Rushing will basically ruin it; trust will be lost. Without a doubt, hurrying into it will lessen your chances of success. Your partner will build walls that you will have to work harder on the other side to tear down. It will be much harder as a result to reach your goal of them accepting the kink. This is a very tumultuous time for someone who does not share your kink. You potentially could kill their willingness to experiment if you rush this phase. Go. Slow. Really slow.

And for the love of all things good, read your partner’s facial expressions, tone of voice, stance, hand movements, and body language, both on a large and minute scale. And most definitely read their eyes. Do they shift their eyes away, close their eyes, or even worse turn away from you? Do their eyes widen? These are bad signs and clear indicators that you need to slow down or you will ruin any easy pathway to mutual sexual bliss in that kink.

Constantly Assess Your Partner and Read their Non-verbals

Basically, you are looking for signs of their discomfort and dislike. Do they take a step away from you? Watch them and adjust your approach.

Remember your main goal. What is your main goal? Well, that’s easy. We want sexual bliss with our partners, this is the goal. The bottom line, sexual satisfaction, and fulfillment for you both is the ultimate goal.

What are some kinky sexual fantasies?

Kinky sexual fantasies, there are so many. To name a few there is BDSM, role play, costumes, use of food, massage oils, latex, domination, Dom/sub, Domme/sub, Daddy Dom, sex toys, feet or other body parts worshipping, sex in an unusual or risky location, femdom, porn, erotica, multiple partner sex, anal sex, age gap, taboo topics, deprivation, orgasm control, sci fi/fantasy sex, collar/leash, and even as simple as any given topic, ranging from mild to severe. And I know there are way more kinks out there so this list is absolutely not comprehensive.

Bring up the topic

This can be difficult to do especially if you feel your kink might offend your partner. Hopefully, you know your partner and can choose the best approach to fit their personality.

You can try a nonspecific open approach by asking your partner, “Do you have anything sexual that we have not done that you’d like to try?” This is a great conversation starter for getting into a discussion talking about both of your kinks.

Another approach is to simply try asking the question. The way you phrase this question matters. A lot. The best way is to bring up the kink in a more neutral way. For example, ask him or her, “Have you ever wanted to try rope play?” Rather than, “I want to tie you up and fuck you.”  Be sensitive. If you take the focus off of what you want to do to your partner, this will help them to not feel fearful like a victim right off the bat. This type of question doesn’t push the person into a corner so they feel trapped, it simply touches on the topic. Scroll down for more on how to take the focus off your partner while you discuss.

You could try being flirty as you suggest a kink by saying something like, “You are naughty, I might need to give you a spanking.” If you do this approach, make sure you keep it light and playful to assess your partner’s reaction. Watch for a sly smile of approval or a quick twinkle of the eye, then you know you might have a chance. Being flirty will allow you to bring up the topic in a way that isn’t too serious or hardcore. That can perhaps develop later if you both desire that with time.

Utilize Media

If your partner will watch porn or read erotica, pull up a video of the kink on a porno and watch their reaction, or buy an erotic book and read the story together. Take down the porn or put away the story if your partner freaks out. Try again at a later date. But viewing and/or reading takes the focus off both of you and simply introduces the topic. This is also a great conversation starter because you can discuss the content without directly talking about yourselves doing what the people in the story do. Yet it still provides an introduction to the topic. You can ask your partner how what they saw/read made them feel. Don’t suggest feelings, ask them how they feel so you don’t lead them to not revealing their true feelings.

Here are affiliate links to my books:

Search online for free erotica There are many blogs online that offer free erotic sex stories, like mine. There is also the great site literotica. I have a story on literotica as well. There are many topics of stories and content on literotica and a search field to find them. I think they have stories on most kinks. Here’s the link to my story on literotica: Never Say Never Swing

Audiobooks are also a great way to introduce topics to your partner. This is ideal because you could be kissing and loving on each other as you listen. Being intimate with your partner while listening to an erotic audiobook is very arousing. Maybe you’d even get lucky and your partner agrees to act some of it out with you!!

Try it!

Drive the focus to others and off of your own relationship:

Do a testing the water litmus test.

As you bring up the topic, start a conversation about how a friend and his partner participate in the kink and see if a light burns suddenly in your partner’s eyes, or if they only display shock. By talking about how your friend and his/her partner explore the kink, you are gently introducing your partner to the kink without putting it on them that you want the same kink, and you can then assess how they feel about it by how they react/respond. If you talk about it in reference to another couple first, it also takes the focus, and the pressure off of your relationship.

Approach your partner non-confrontationally by emailing them a sexual bucket list. This gives your partner time to process the ideas in private without being put on the spot. Sometimes we need time to think about things before we even know if we are willing to try them. If you are staring them down as they read the list, this could make them feel threatened and crush your attempts to gently introduce the idea. Give them some privacy to think about your ideas and they might just surprise you and be open about trying them.

 

Buy a Toy or Something that goes along with the Kinky Sexual Fantasy

If your partner is afraid to try sex toys, but you have a hankering for trying them out, start very simple. The simplest most non-threatening, yet often my first choice is the simple wand sex toy. This toy can also be used as a muscle relaxing tool anywhere on the body as well, which makes it less threatening. Buy it stating your intent is muscle relaxation, then slowly move it around your partner’s body to ease into the use of the toy for bodily pleasure on sexual organs.

Make the gift a Valentine’s Day gift, birthday gift, or holiday gift. Or, simply get it out of the blue. The point is to get the toy in your residence. Once it’s there, you can slowly get your partner used to it and hopefully progress to sexual use of the toy. The point of the toy is to make you and your partner feel good so focus on that as the reason for the toy.

I personally love sex toys. I have thirty. YES! Laugh out loud! I have thirty. I have several reviews on this website of sex toys as well. They are fabulous for enhancing both solo play and couple play.

Lush Sex Toy Review Remote Controlled Vibrator

Rabbit Vibrator Lovense Nora Review

Sex Toy Review: Rabbit Vibrator and Couples Sex Toy

Rose Vibrator Clit Sucker Toy Review

I also have some sex toy reviews on my podcast. You can find the link to my podcast in the sidebar.

If you or your partner have a physical impairment, a sex toy is quite ideal to help you both reach climax. This is a great reason to get a toy and often a more acceptable reason for an individual who is hesitant to try sex toys. If you physically can’t please your partner, a toy can assist you in doing just that. Tell your partner that’s your reason for wanting the toy and that your intent is to fully pleasure them with the toy in ways you physically cannot. Position it as a lifesaver for your sex lives.

 

Buy Kinky Lingerie or Sexy Clothing

Buy kinky lingerie and give it to your partner as a gift. Praise them profusely once they are wearing the clothing. Trust me. Most women will eat compliments up, even if they pretend they aren’t, on some level, they are loving your attention and praise. We all want to feel sexy to our partners, use this opportunity to really let your partner know they look very sexy. I promise it will increase your passion for each other. Some kinky lingerie is very conducive to kinks as well, such as open areas in the clothing or as in harnesses.

This is my friend’s website at inkedgirlstl.com. She hand makes harnesses, corsets, plugs, and slappers. Very beautiful stuff! Harnesses, Corsets, Plugs, Slappers

Rejuvenate Your Sex Life

Tell your partner you think adding in some new kinks will rejuvenate your sex life, make it better and fresh. This is a great approach too because who doesn’t want an improved sex life? We all do. Tell your partner this will get you both thinking about each other differently in sexual ways and could re-ignite the spark in your relationship and make it flame bigger, brighter, brilliantly!

Maintain Constant and Open Communication Regarding Kinky Sexual Fantasies

Always.

Always talk about your time doing the kink together and keep the lines of communication open so boundaries are not overstepped. Make sure you know what your partner wants so you don’t alienate them or put them into a position where they are uncomfortable or overwhelmed. This again goes with the go-slow … until you know. Respect your partner’s boundaries always and talk about ways to grow the kink or if their limits are maxed. You can always revisit it in the future. Time does change our opinions and with healing and growth, and age, your partner may feel their tastes change making them more open to trying new things.

Come to a Compromise with Your Kinky Sexual Fantasies

Maybe your partner would be okay with a portion of your kink. Find out through talking if your partner might be okay with doing the kink partially, such as a BDSM act with certain toys or household items but not others. Like for example, they are okay being spanked with a wooden spoon or your hand, but not a crop.

Also, by varying the intensity of the action you may be able to reach a compromise that works for both of you. Sexual acts can obviously be delivered on a gradient from hardcore to gentle, find what works for both of you along the spectrum.

Try The Compartmentalizing Approach

Or perhaps play in the kink in a certain way your partner might be okay with it, such as you only talk about and do the kink when you both are in the both role-play mode, but otherwise neither of you mentions it. If you delve that deep into role play though, you will need to have your discussions about the kink while still in the role-playing mode. Some people keep their role-playing for the bedroom, and other couples find it pervasive throughout their relationship. Read my interview with three real Doms to get a feel for what I mean on this topic: The Dom Sub Relationship: 3 Real Doms Speak Out

You can come to a compromise…

We are all individuals. We all have our own tastes. Relationships are about give and take. I bet you find compromise in other areas of your relationship, with some effort and care, and communication, you can come to a compromise with kinky sexual fantasies too. I have faith in you!

Other Tips

Think about this. Once you bring up a topic, you can’t take it back. Now your partner knows you have certain interests so be sure you move slowly before you dive in to a new kink with your partner.

Consult a sex therapist for help. This may help ease your partner into the kink. The sex therapist may also have ideas.

If at first, you don’t succeed, regroup, wait some time, and give it a try again. Be gentle. Be loving. Remember the goal is mutual sexual pleasure. You’ve got this. You can do it!

If you can’t reach a mutual compromise, try something new, such as a new kink.

Sex toys are created to make a person feel good, to the max. Our bodies were created to feel good too, that’s why we have nerve endings in our genitalia. Remember to focus on that and remind your partner of that so there is less fear of using a contraption to feel good. Goal=orgasms. A great way to gently introduce your partner to a toy is to read customer reviews of the toy, either together or alone.

Be very sensitive to your partner’s fears and address them immediately for the utmost intimacy.

Don’t wreck your relationship over this. Find a new kink if you have to.

Be conscious of the fact that if your partner experienced abuse similar to your kink, you may never get them to try the kink. Counseling could help but it may not fully work to get your partner on board. You may need to choose a different kink to focus on in this type of case.

If all else fails, keep your kink in your own fantasy life. Guaranteed, there’s a porno for that.

But! I have faith that you can come to a compromise with your partner and enjoy exquisite mutual loving hot erotic sexy sensual sexual satisfaction. You just need to try. And. Be. Flexible.

And above all else … enjoy!

 

Copyright © 2020 Ruan Willow Author. All Rights Reserved.

Thank you for reading my post! I hope you found my ideas about introducing your partner to your kinky sexual fantasies useful. If you did, please share it on social media so it can help others too.